Some Call it Bribery...I Call it REWARD

Or incentive. Or positive reinforcement. Regardless of the label, it’s usually a win-win. For the record, I define bribery as using something of value to coax someone into doing something they SHOULDN’T do. With toddlers and kids, it’s all about teaching them that when they make good decisions (which is usually what you want them to do), good things happen.

My son is one who will do just about anything for toys, and by extension, money. He understands he has to work for it, but he’s not going to work harder than he has to. And he’s honed such outstanding negotiating skills that he knows exactly how to get what he wants. But, is that such a bad thing if I also get what I want? Besides, I’m convinced this kid is going to make millions some day- and then he’ll thank me for it.

After overruling his request to play his guitar on the busy street corner to earn money (he’s seven...and he doesn’t know how to play guitar), he is now my big helper around the house. He regularly vacuums, dusts, takes out trash- all of these things without being asked- and actually REQUESTS to do the dishes (...with hearts and stars).

All of these chores pay about $.25 around here, and by the end of the week he usually has $3-5 earned over and above the $3 allowance he gets for being self-sufficient (getting ready for school, picking up his things, brushing teeth, etc). And he knows how to shop on line- which is part of HIS motivation. He finds something he wants to buy, figures out the cost plus tax and shipping (thereby building his math skills) and goes to work around the house. Thankfully he doesn’t have a credit card. Yet. Something tells me that’s not too far off into the future.

In the mean time, however, I will continue to REWARD his hard work and enjoy not having to do some of the household chores myself. I used to worry that we were attaching too much extrinsic value to his work, but the fact is, he does feel the intrinsic value of giving himself a goal and working towards it. So we let him continue to build up his credit and his self esteem. I do wish he was saving more, but then he wouldn’t be nearly as motivated to earn the money. I guess that’s another lesson for another time (usually when he finds something he wants after he’s already spent his money). No, I don’t consider this bribery...this is life!

Today I'm Giving Thanks For...

Forgiveness. Well, a lot of things, really, but forgiveness is near the top of my list.

This has always been a hard concept for me to embrace. We all want to be forgiven for our bad decisions (intentional and otherwise), but forgiving someone else is a whole other story. This has been a lifelong lesson for me. And having kids had taught me so much about why forgiveness is so important.

Life with kids is filled with ups and downs and daily decisions, good and bad. It is my job as a parent to help them learn from those decisions. It is also my job as mom to love them unconditionally and teach them to not only forgive others (as in sibling fighting) but forgive themselves for their own bad decisions, and learn from them. After all, we are all human and we all make bad decisions from time to time. What’s important is that we try to make things right, and hopefully forgiveness is a natural consequence of that.

This perspective on life and motherhood was challenged just a few days ago, when I failed to meet the expectations of not one but two clients, and I struggled with the idea that I might not be forgiven. I knew I had not intended to do anything wrong and did what I could to fix things...the rest was out of my hands. I found myself asking, “What would I tell my kids?”. It occurred to me that I needed to forgive myself and accept whatever consequences might occur with the idea that I did what I could to right things, while also knowing that there are times in life when that’s just not enough. Still, I went to bed with this weighing heavily on my mind.

When I awoke the next morning, I was pleasantly surprised that my genuine apology had been accepted and that things had been “fixed”. And it made me realize what an important lesson this is to learn early so that my kids can appreciate the importance of taking responsibility for things and doing what’s necessary to rectify the situation, but especially embracing the idea of forgiving themselves and others. Without forgiveness, I’m not sure it’s possible to have peace of heart and mind. And who benefits from that? No one I can’t think of...

May your Thanksgiving be full of forgiveness, thanks and peace.

Taking Down the Gates

The gates aren’t just open, they’re removed. If there’s one thing having twins has taught me, it’s that things go much more smoothly when I can find peace with moving into the next stage of motherhood and not fight the changes all the way. But change can be unnerving.

We took the baby gates down recently, so our three year old twins now have free reign of the entire house at their own leisure. The truth is, they’ve access for a while, since the gates were often left open by the older siblings, and then eventually ignored all together. Never the less, they were my security. It was a tangible boundary that was indicative of the toddler stage we were in, and its absence is a tell tale sign that life has grown and evolved. Whether I want it to or not.

Parenting is a constant exercise in letting go of some things while simultaneously holding tight to others. After I had the twins, I was completely satisfied (and mostly overwhelmed) with the idea that our family of six was just the right size. I’ve known that every stage we’ve gone through, from crawling to talking, has been the beginning- and the end- of a stage of motherhood I probably won’t be experiencing again. And I’m okay with that. But there’s something about removing the baby gates that seems so final, so free and so...insecure. Those gates kept them out of harm’s way, provided stability when pulling up to stand, and gave them balance when learning to walk. But my babies are no longer infants, babies or toddlers. They are now preschoolers and their world is growing with them. As much as I want to close that gate and keep all the innocence, sweetness and security locked safely behind it, that’s just not reality. The reality is that they need the space, they need the exposure and they need to learn new boundaries...often by consequences. I can always comfort them, but I can’t always protect them.

And so, I’m letting go of the baby gates and holding tightly to the hope that my babies won’t stray too far and will always want to come back to their mommy.

Funny how when our kids grow, we do too.

My latest article: Because Sometimes Words Speak Louder Than Actions

This one is about the power of an Apology Letter.  Check it out and send it along if you like it!

 http://familyfocusblog.com/because-sometimes-words-speak-louder-than-actions/

Thanks for all the support and positive feedback!

My Published Article!

Thanks to all of you for the support and encouragement.  I have fallen in love with writing and it's so satisfying to know that my words and thoughts touch others.  I'm very excited to also be building credibility as a writer...check out my guest contribution posted on 5 Minutes for Mom:

Back Away From the Sign Up Sheet: Knowing When to Volunteer and When Not To


And, pretty please, if you like my blog and/or writing, share them, follow them and comment!

Picking Up the Pieces...the Puzzle Pieces, That Is

I was busy making dinner in the kitchen when out of no where, and for no apparent reason, my three year old daughter moseyed into the kitchen, took one look at the puzzle that was left undone at the table and proceeded to swipe, one by one, each and every piece onto the floor. Knowing that I would have to be the one to crawl around and retrieve puzzle pieces from beneath chairs and under the stove, I promptly requested, “Pick those up, please.” I asked patiently and calmly several more times until I was eventually met with a defiant, “No!”. 

Suddenly, I had flashbacks to preschool two weeks prior when, at pick up, the teacher informed me that my daughter would have to put her blocks away before she could be dismissed.

What can I say? Life with a strong-will three year old has its challenging moments. Unlucky for her, she is my fourth...which means I’m wise to the ways of the willful. And being a tad (okay, really) stubborn myself, I can appreciate her frustration. Having said that, my will to enforce her picking up after herself was no match for her tantrum.

So she spent the most of the rest of the night in time out for refusing to pick up the puzzle pieces. I have to say, when this child goes to time out (which isn’t all that often), she goes for the long haul. We’ve had entire park outings where she watched from her car seat. But I’ve learned to appreciate that about her- she has a mind of her own. I didn’t get angry or frustrated; I just gave her space and gentle reminders about why it was important to pick up after herself. I knew I couldn’t win this battle unless SHE decided she wanted to pick up the pieces (a parenting pearl for anyone just beginning the journey of motherhood). So, I just provided the motivation (bath time anyone?). The puzzle pieces were picked up in record time.

Ironic how being a mom has made me both more patient and more stubborn at the same time.

Humbled Running

Motherhood can be a very humbling experience. But today it was no match for the 13.1 miles I ran with thousands of others.

I was humbled by the dedication of one runner to a loved one lost. I am reminded that life is precious. I was humbled by the woman running with the prosthetic leg. I am reminded that having two healthy legs is a gift. I was humbled by the guy that passed me in the stroller. I am reminded that each of us is doing this for different reasons, and that some have a heavier burden to carry. I was humbled by several disabled kids making their way through the crowd on hand cycles. I am reminded that perseverance is a choice. I was humbled by the front runners making their way back while I was on my way out. I am reminded that this is not a race against each other, but a race against ourselves. I was humbled by those (including me) who had to stop and walk. I am reminded that we all have our own set of challenges in running, and in life. I was humbled by the rolling waves lapping upon the miles of sand. I am reminded that I am small in this great big world, both above water and below. I was humbled by watching the gentleman (a live kidney and liver donor) who encouraged me to the finish last year cross the finish line this year. I am reminded that generosity is contagious. I was humbled by the person who thanked me for encouraging him to the finish line this year. I am reminded that paying it forward always makes a difference.

I ran this race, not for a particular time (my previous injury already humbled me in that respect), but for the experience. And my shadow and I managed to humbly climb over that 10 mile wall.

The race was a success in my mind. Right up until the couple hours later when I puked. (Sorry, there just isn’t a lovely way to say that.) But, once again, I was humbled by the compassion of my husband and children. I am reminded of how blessed and lucky I am. After a week of taking care of sick kids, not getting much rest and pushing myself a little too far, I am reminded of my limitations. And I am humbled by and grateful for all of it.

Polka Dot Clouds

Motherhood is like the sky. It’s unfathomably vast and full of uncertainty. There are moments of turbulence, moments of peace, moments of darkness and moments of beauty. And it’s always changing.

I don’t spend much time cloud-watching unless something brilliant catches my eye. That was the case yesterday. It was mid-morning and the sky was the oddest polka dotted pattern I have memory of seeing. Even my kids were in awe.

Unfortunately, the picture doesn't quite capture what my eye did.

I have no idea what set of conditions and circumstances have to come together to create such wonder, but the outcome was mesmerizing. We watched it for a while, noticing how each puffy little cloud seem to be its own silver button, sticking collectively together in the sky. And, not unlike how kids grow and evolve right before our eyes, it was only a couple hours before the clouds had merged and swirled together to take on a completely different form and the polka dot sky was forever in the past, never to be duplicated exactly the same again.

And so are the moments of motherhood; each with their own set of conditions and circumstances, many of which are out of our control. But when we learn to appreciate the sky for its beauty in that moment, we are reminded to also cherish those fleeting moments of motherhood with our children that, too, will eventually blow away. And what better way to make me stop, look, and take it in with a smile than polka dot clouds.

What's That Smell?

It took me a few days to figure this one out. The first time I smelled it was in the car. I just figured one of the kids passed gas (a common occurrence, unfortunately). Then I smelled it in the bathroom. Same assumption, or something similar. THEN I did the laundry.

Yes, my almost nine year old has officially crossed over from my little boy...to a stinky, smelly kid. The culprit was his socks. I’m surprised they didn’t walk over to the laundry and throw themselves in, just to be put our of their misery. No, they insist on permeating our small house crammed full of people, while hiding in unsuspecting places. I can have just done my usual three loads of laundry and find one more stinker (literally!) hiding under the couch, behind the door or rolled up under some poor, innocent toy. They are e v e r y w h e r e. And, when I say they stink, I mean...THEY STINK!

Just how bad is it? My SON asked me to please help him get rid of the smell, because, apparently, it bothers him, too. He’s not concerned about scaring away girls or subjecting others to his bodily odors, he really is nauseated by the smell of his own feet. I even have a shoes ON rule now with him because it’s not just the socks that stink...it’s the shoes...AND his feet.

So, I’ve invested in odor eaters in the hopes of taming the stinky feet monster. Wish me luck. Especially since I have two more boys who have not yet reached this stage and a daughter who is actually AFRAID of the stinky socks. Can’t say I blame her.

Feeling a Little Croppy. And Not in a Scrapbooking Kind of Way.

I’m talking about the THOUSANDS of pictures I have of my children...which I adore...but I can’t find a single one of me. Normally I wouldn't think much of it (and may even be a little relieved), but right now I’m scrambling to include a profile picture with the writings I’m submitting. I’ve come to the realization that not only can I count the number of pictures I’m in on one hand (out of the thousands), but my go-to pictures when I need them are the ones that I have cropped.

I’m pretty sure it started right after childbirth when I didn’t want to be photographed because I was overtired, overweight (and no longer pregnant) and feeling nothing like myself. And then the focus continues to be on the infant, then baby, then toddler, then preschooler, then sports and it goes on. Until one day I realize that all those years I spent dodging the camera or being the one behind it means my kids will have little to no record of my existence. I sure hope the memories I’m creating for them will last, because it’s not going to be in print. And while I would have thought it narcissistic in the past to want to be in countless pictures, I am realizing now that it is actually a wonderful gift to give my children. Even when I’m having a bad hair day. Because, really, isn’t it fun and amusing to look back on pictures of YOUR parents when you were little? And have you seen the reaction of your little ones when they see what Grandma and Grandpa looked like way back when? From now on I won’t be afraid to ask strangers to take my picture with my kids, won’t shy away from a camera pointed my direction (even if I’m in my bathing suit or am sans make up), and promise to always smile graciously rather than duck away.

But in the mean time, I’m relegated to my own limited photography skills for my self portrait (yes, that’s me holding my camera out in front). What struck me, though, was that as I looked around at other mom’s profile pictures, I noticed that most of their pictures resemble mine. Isn’t is ironic (and a little sad) that the one person who is probably most influential in their children’s lives is the one person that is missing in pictures? My kids are gonna hate it, but that’s going to change for me. Starting...right...NOW.

Me and My Shadow

When training for a half marathon, weekends are synonymous with long runs of 10+ miles. I’m not going to lie...after a few miles the motivation wears off and I’m left looking for other sources of inspiration. Here’s my most recent discovery.

I have found the perfect running partner. We are exactly the same pace, I can still listen to my favorite tunes and I don’t have to hold a conversation while I’m huffing and puffing. And the best part is, whether it’s moonlight or sunlight, we’re always together.

So how is my shadow my ideal running partner? It takes a little imagination, but really, what else do you have to do mile after mile but run and think. So, when my shadow is in front of me, I challenge myself to step on it- kind of like shadowboxing, but it’s my feet that are punching the pavement. When my shadow is behind me, I race it, trying not to let it catch me. When it’s beside me, I run taller. When it’s at an angle out in front, it reminds me to check my form and stay light on my feet; and when it’s at an angle behind me, it reminds me to look over my shoulder and stay safe, alert and aware as I run. My shadow is happy to pull or push me up any size hill (you’d be surprised at the difference this can make!). And, in those instances when my shadow is no where to be found, I imagine it’s flying above me, floating me along.

My shadow celebrates with me when I triumph and walks closely with me when I don’t. My shadow might just be my new best running friend. So, if you’re needing a little extra motivation when you’re out there running (or walking), take a look around the ground...chances are, there is somebody very close cheering you on.