Why I Want My Kids To Fail

First, let me say for the record, that I do NOT want my kids to be failures.  Quite the opposite- I want them to be successful as much as possible in life...which, in my opinion, requires that they fail at least some of the time.

Here’s the thing: we are raising our kids in a society where they are rewarded for just showing up; where the expectation is not that they work hard, but that they are simply present.  We give trophies for just being on a sports team, regardless of their skill improvement; we incentivize kids to come to school by giving them prizes, regardless of their performance; we defend our kids and rescue them when they fail, removing any assignment of responsibility or value of meaningful consequences.  

Photo credit: Mmoyer

What do they learn from this?  That they are entitled to success and to win, and that somehow they deserve it.

I’m all for positive reinforcement, but I also see the danger of replacing the intrinsic rewards of intentionally setting, working towards, and achieving challenging goals with the idea that it is good enough just to be there.  Our professional jobs don’t work that way; our relationships don’t work that way; life does not work that way.  This breeds the kind of motivation (or lack thereof) that has people expending more energy looking for ways to work the system in their favor (which isn’t all that hard to do), than committing to, sacrificing when necessary, and doing their absolute best to be successful.  If you don’t know what it feels like to fail- if you miss the opportunity to learn from your mistakes- will you ever truly know and appreciate success?  Or will you just feel entitled to more?  

I don’t think anyone wants to fail, but each failure brings a unique opportunity to grow and learn and become a better person because of it.  And sometimes that opportunity from failure is well beyond the original goal of success.  Failure can be a gift.  Just look at the inspirational underdogs around us who have overcome inconceivable odds, like Oscar Pistorius (aka “Blade Runner”) from the 2012 summer Olympics, because they are willing to redefine success and be even better in spite of their disadvantages. And remember Christopher Columbus, the guy who discovered America...by mistake?  Take a minute to ponder this list of 50 Famously Successful People Who Failed At First- what would have happened if they ended their pursuit of success and settled for just good enough? 

Photo credit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Walt_Disney

I love my kids and I want what’s best for them.  And, I’ll be the first to admit that my first instinct is to give them everything and/or do everything for them to make them happy- for the moment (and, if not to make my life easier).  But, in the end, I know that doing so only creates lazy, ungrateful, selfish people who just want more...and think they deserve it because they don’t know otherwise...because they haven’t learned that success is the result of overcoming failure, and the only way to overcome failure is with consistent effort and hard work.  

Okay, I’ve vacated the soap box, thanks for indulging me.  I would give you a trophy for participating, but... What are your thoughts on teaching kids how to fail so that they can ultimately succeed?

Back to School: Organizing the (In)Sanity for Kids and Parents

School supplies: check.  New clothes: check.  Finding out teacher assignments and seeing friends after a long summer: check.  Ready to learn: well...

Photo Credit: Digitalphotonut

It’s taken me more than a couple years of being a mom and going through the back-to-school routine to realize that preparing and organizing to go back to school is more than just filling a backpack with supplies and wearing some of the latest fashions.  In fact, it’s much more.  While some kids look forward with anticipation to the new classroom, new teacher, and new challenges, others are filled with angst about settling into a new environment , anxiety about whether their teacher will be approachable or intimidating, and fear about not being able to learn the information.

Take my oldest, for example.  He struggled quite a bit in third grade- not with the actual curriculum as much as with the “dynamic” (which in his case was a euphemism for “inconsistent”) classroom format of teaching.  He does not do well with change...and as a result of being forced to adapt to ongoing changes- and being in a perpetual state of being frustrated and feeling lost- came to the conclusion that he can’t “do” school.  He absolutely can, but he internalized his inability to keep up with the changes as an ineptitude for school.  (Insert exasperated sigh) Who says motherhood and parenting get easier as kids get older?  

I talked to his teacher- her solution was to sit down with him once or twice to help him organize the notebook he uses in class.  I talked to the school counselor (since his deflating self confidence was carrying over into his social interactions)- her solution was to sit down with him and help him organize his notebook...differently.  I did my best from home to help him be consistent with his homework schedule and where he put his completed work (which, more often than not, he didn’t turn in).  And while I emailed his teacher regularly, I just didn’t feel he was getting the support he needed.  At the same time, he was getting to an age where too much coddling and too accommodating can perpetuate his feeling of incompetence, which would surely contribute to his declining self esteem.  And this was only THIRD grade!  

So, while I will be the first to admit that I’m breathing a sigh of relief now that summer is over, I have carried a certain hesitation going into this next school year.  I keep asking myself, “How can I help him get/stay organized?”.  Then it occurred to me that no one was actually teaching him the skills on how to be organized; they were just telling him where to put things.  He needed to understand how to organize his thoughts first so that he could organize his actions.   

The saying, “A goal without a plan is just a wish” has never made more sense to me.  

He needed a plan for getting organized that he could apply to any challenge or situation, no matter where he was.  Here’s what I came up with:

It’s pretty self explanatory, but basically, it’s all about being prepared so that you have the best possible chances for success.  And who doesn’t want to be successful?  It’s simple enough to be able remember and understand, and flexible enough to apply to most situations.  And best of all, it makes him feel in control of the situation.

We’ve revisited this a few times together when frustration levels begin to escalate and have found that it helps diffuse the situation and bring the focus back to the task at hand.  We also followed up our introduction of this concept with a labeling gun session where we labeled important things in his environment to help make life, well, more organized- like where to put shoes, his soccer gear, his homework pencils, and other things he often loses that contribute to his (and my) frustration insanity.

So far he’s more organized, and I’m more sane, so I call that success!  And it applies to more than just life with kids- my husband and I have even found ourselves putting these specific ideas into practice outside of being parents when we are feeling overwhelmed.  And, you know what?  It helps!  Give it a try next time you feel insanity taking over.  

What back to school tips and ideas do you have for making the transition smoother for everyone?

Sticks and Stones...

May break my bones...but the rest is totally untrue! Just ask any kid (or grown up, for that matter)- words hurt! I’ve heard this is especially problematic with grade-school girls, but since I’m not there yet, my only experience so far is with boys. But it still rings true, especially if you have a sensitive kid, and especially if he is associated in any way with being a baby.

My seven and nine year old had their first lesson in virality and how, once you put it out there, there’s no taking it back. I’m sure the seven year old didn’t intend to be mean- this is the comedian who often speaks before he thinks- but his hurtful and inaccurate words about his brother “playing with baby toys” were blurted out in an effort to get laughs...and spread like wildfire. (Note to self: another thing to add to the list of why being a mom makes me a better person- MEAN IS NOT FUNNY).

Anyway, the three of us had a long discussion about being careful about we say about others, being family and sticking together, and the importance of talking in truths. The reality is, the babies (who are now 3 ½ and not really babies) like all the toys their big brothers play with, so it’s not fair to say that his brother plays with baby toys just because they play together. And, for the record, the seven year old plays with them too. They are learning the hard way that things like this can’t be undone. And, unfortunately, it’s a lifelong lesson they may have to learn more than once.

But this whole situation got me thinking...if it weren’t my other son (and his brother) that started this “rumor”, knowing my nine year old is feeling ostracized, would I have taken a different course of action? Would I be expressing my concerns to the principal about the kid who is bullying my child? I think I would have...which is a reality check as far as I’m concerned.

While I do believe that bullying is a real problem, I think our kids are SO aware of it that they lose their ability to confront issues and problem solve, and label any mean thing another kid does as being “bullied”. We’ve made our kids hyper-sensitive, when, really, kids can just be mean. Period. I, for one, think that the sooner my kids realize and understand the difference between a real bully and a bad decision, the better off they will be. I didn’t “get it” until I was out of high school, but some people never “get it”. Best they learn now, don’t you think?

This is Motherhood!

Some aspects of parenting come more naturally to me than others. Give me a child who’s sick and I can confidently nurse them back to health in no time. Challenge me with a child who is emotionally complicated and having trouble expressing anger and frustration...watch me panic. I’ve been reminded that I have a lot of work to do when it comes to parenting my nine year old...and myself.

My son has always been especially challenging to me as a parent, mostly because he and I are so alike in so many ways. And this is one of those times when I completely understand where he’s coming from...he’s having issues with a friend because his friend doesn’t want to play the same way as my son. An ongoing power struggle has ensued, which has brought out the meanness in both of them. I know my son doesn’t want to alienate his friend, I know he likes playing with him, but he’s extremely frustrated and angry that he’s not feeling heard or acknowledged and it has manifested itself in a passive-aggressive way. Yet, he blames his friend for his anger because his friend is not cooperating. After giving him my best “you have to take responsibility for your own actions” and “we treat people the way we want to be treated” lecture, the bells rang clearly...

This is motherhood!

I live this constantly and on a daily basis. How many times a day do I tell my kids, “If you would just listen....”? Admittedly, my BIGGEST challenge as a mom is to RESPOND and not REACT to situations. My son’s too. Which is why I know I must model how to stop myself, reflect on the problems that arise, consider other people’s perspectives and work towards a solution. Calmly.

Once again I am reminded that motherhood makes me a better person because it puts my own character flaws in the spotlight and motives me to change them for the sake of my children. What has your journey taught you lately?

Finding the Christmas Spirit

I knew I was taking a risk by responding, but it’s usually the case that doing something is harder than doing nothing, even when it’s the right thing. And my kids were watching.

We were knee deep in Christmas lights and decorations...trying to prep the outside decorations while simultaneously rotating the toys inside the house to the garage to make room for the tree. As you might suspect, this is NOT an easy task with two three year olds clinging and crying about the temporary departure of every toy, despite our best efforts to “capture the moment” with Christmas music blaring the background. (By the way, the trick is to distract them with a “new” toy to rotate in- they will play happily for at least 20 minutes- but have those ready to go before removing the “old” ones). The older boys and the neighbors were playing out front when my second oldest (and animal lover) yelled to me that a stray dog had just wandered into our yard. I’ll be honest, my first thoughts were...I’m sure the dog can find its way home. If I check for a collar and there isn’t one, then I’ve taken on the responsibility of finding its owner. Maybe I can just assure my son that the dog will be fine and we can pretend this never happened.

After all, we lost our beloved dog earlier this year and it was quite traumatic for the family, but especially this child. And he’s been begging for another dog ever since. I knew that was HIS first thought.

Photo: bk images

Sure enough, the dog had a collar...but no tag. Now I couldn’t let her wander off because I knew she belonged to someone who loved her enough to give her a collar. And she was a very sweet black lab mix. So, leaving my patient and understanding husband to man the twins and mess of toys, five kids (including the neighbors, minus the dog-lover) and Christmas decorations, my son and I set off, going house to house in search of the dog’s owner. We made it clear to the end of our street and back, and no one recognized her. And while most people were apologetic, none offered to help find her owner.  I knew I couldn’t keep her even for a few days to hang signs with 4 small kids at our house, despite my son’s pleading. And she had some visible tumors, so calling the Humane Society would not be ideal. Even trying to get her to a vet’s office to see if she had a microchip (if I could find one open on a Sunday) would be problematic with the kids.

Finally, I approached the last house within proximity and held out hope that this would be her home. I was relieved when the kid the lives there opened the door, but then he said she wasn’t his black lab and my heart sank. Upon taking a closer look, he said he did know who she belonged to and offered to take her home. He has no idea how grateful I was to hear those words!

Interestingly enough, this house was only two doors down from us, yet it was the last house I tried. In part because we had issues with this (and another neighbor) kid a few years back who were several years older than our boys and who had been cussing and being mischievous in front of our kids (4 and 5 at the time). My husband had to “talk to” the neighbor boys about being appropriate in front of younger kids. And there just didn’t seem to be a lot of parental supervision, so we encouraged out kids to steer clear of him. Yet, this very kid (a few years later) is offering to help me tremendously without giving it a second thought. He was kind and courteous and a good neighbor.

So, this experience has reminded me this Christmas to love my neighbor (and, as my husband put it, “not judge them by their skinny jeans” and skate boards), to remove myself from the chaos and stress that is “the season” and focus on helping others and doing the right thing. So many people (and a dog) in the this situation were helped, and at the end of the day, isn’t that what’s it all about?

And, no our decorations aren't hung, but Christmas has begun at our house.

My latest article: Because Sometimes Words Speak Louder Than Actions

This one is about the power of an Apology Letter.  Check it out and send it along if you like it!

 http://familyfocusblog.com/because-sometimes-words-speak-louder-than-actions/

Thanks for all the support and positive feedback!

Picking Up the Pieces...the Puzzle Pieces, That Is

I was busy making dinner in the kitchen when out of no where, and for no apparent reason, my three year old daughter moseyed into the kitchen, took one look at the puzzle that was left undone at the table and proceeded to swipe, one by one, each and every piece onto the floor. Knowing that I would have to be the one to crawl around and retrieve puzzle pieces from beneath chairs and under the stove, I promptly requested, “Pick those up, please.” I asked patiently and calmly several more times until I was eventually met with a defiant, “No!”. 

Suddenly, I had flashbacks to preschool two weeks prior when, at pick up, the teacher informed me that my daughter would have to put her blocks away before she could be dismissed.

What can I say? Life with a strong-will three year old has its challenging moments. Unlucky for her, she is my fourth...which means I’m wise to the ways of the willful. And being a tad (okay, really) stubborn myself, I can appreciate her frustration. Having said that, my will to enforce her picking up after herself was no match for her tantrum.

So she spent the most of the rest of the night in time out for refusing to pick up the puzzle pieces. I have to say, when this child goes to time out (which isn’t all that often), she goes for the long haul. We’ve had entire park outings where she watched from her car seat. But I’ve learned to appreciate that about her- she has a mind of her own. I didn’t get angry or frustrated; I just gave her space and gentle reminders about why it was important to pick up after herself. I knew I couldn’t win this battle unless SHE decided she wanted to pick up the pieces (a parenting pearl for anyone just beginning the journey of motherhood). So, I just provided the motivation (bath time anyone?). The puzzle pieces were picked up in record time.

Ironic how being a mom has made me both more patient and more stubborn at the same time.

WHY BEING A MOM MAKES ME A BETTER PERSON

~If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing
~You have no one else to blame for your bad decisions; if you don't like the outcome, make a different one
~What did we learn from this and what are we going to differently next time?
~Hurting people solves nothing
~You're not allowed to call him names but you can tell him how you feel
~Practice makes perfect
~We're all good at different things...that's what makes us special (in other words, no one is good at everything)
~It only hurts for a little while and then it feels better
~If you're not nice to him then he's not going to be nice to you (or, "treat others the way you want to be treated")
~You don't get things because you want them, you get them because you earn them
~If we did this all the time, then it wouldn't be special
~It doesn't matter how it started, what matters is how it ends
~You will get in A LOT more trouble if you don't tell the truth, then you will if you do tell the truth
~Life's not always fair

Let's face it, these lessons take a lifetime to learn (they are just as applicable to the workplace as they are to the playground).  And my kids are more than happy to hold me accountable when I'm not putting these things into practice.  At least I know they are listening...and that being a parent is making me a better person.