The Ironies of the Holidays

It’s true that Christmas is a magical holiday...but it’s also a stressful one. In an effort to balance the stress imposed by the holidays with providing the “magic” for the kids’ sake, I’m keeping a perspective on the ironies that create this state of holiday craziness.

** I spend 20 minutes circling for a parking space, trying to get in to the store. When I try to leave, I’m stuck in my parking space for another 10, blocked by a car who is stalking someone walking down the aisle. They won’t pull forward for fear that they will miss a parking opportunity and can’t back up because the person behind them has already “claimed” my spot with their signal.

** Forget gift wrapping- what about gift UNwrapping? I’m not interested in paying for gift wrapping when I buy something online, but I WOULD consider paying extra to ship the item in a plain box so that when UPS rings the doorbell and the kids rush the front door to see who it is, they are not witnessing their gifts being delivered.

** With winter weather in southern California (or lack thereof), our kids are forced to skate on synthetic (plastic) ice. To me, this epitomizes so much of what’s wrong with how we celebrate the holidays.

** Every time we make it a point to load up the kids for a fun family tour of Christmas lights, the minute we are stuck in a long line of cars, SOMEone is sure to announce they have to go to the bathroom and it CAN’T wait. Why is it that so many of our well-intentioned family outings become centered around finding bathrooms...?

** We teach our kids that this is the spirit of generosity...and then have them fill out a Christmas list with all the things they want. Next year my kids are making a Christmas list of things they plan to GIVE instead of what they want to RECEIVE.

** Christmas songs are less for entertainment and more for the purpose of reminding us of what we are celebrating and why. We need to sing more.

** With two weeks off of school, the phrase “winter break” takes on a different meaning for kids and parents.

** We go to great lengths to reinforce the importance of being “good” to our children (including honesty, right?)...and reward them with gifts left by a fictional character that we’ve propagated as being real.

** We teach our kids about stranger danger, encourage them not to talk to strangers and scare the daylights out of them about getting within reach of them...and yet this one time of year we force our kids to sit on a perfect stranger’s lap, have a conversation and smile for a picture. It’s no wonder they are so freaked out!

** We wish everyone a “healthy” and “prosperous” new year, and yet most of us have been binging on holiday treats and cookies and over-spending money we don’t have on gifts. Maybe we should wish these things to the people we care about BEFORE the holidays.

So, I wish all of you a patient, generous, fun, well-behaved, portion-controlled, debt-lowering, genuine and meaningful Christmas with the people you know and love.

Dressing Out

Yes, that is my daughter. And, yes, I see that she’s wearing pajamas, under boy clothes with a cape, goggles and a fire hat. She’s, shall we say, an interesting dresser. Please do not shake your head in disagreement, resist the urge to explain to her that she isn’t wearing clothes properly or try to encourage her to dress “normally”. I know you have good intentions, but she’s three. She is fearlessly confident in her choice of outfits and is fiercely independent and proud. She’s got the innocence and sensitivity of a sweet child, and please respect that.

To be fair, many of the reactions we get come in the form of warm smiles from nostalgic moms of older kids who love to share stories about their child’s memorable quirks. And I do understand that my daughter’s unique sense of style could easily be misinterpreted as my lack of parenting. But, I assure you, I am doing her a favor.

I’ll admit that, after three boys, I had hopes of cute dresses and curly pig tails. But even before she could walk, she was especially motivated to dress herself. And once she was able to express herself through her attire, I realized that that she not only enjoys it, but it continues to play a crucial role in her development. (Even though I easily end up doing an extra load of laundry each day to accommodate her ever-changing ideas.)

As a former interesting dresser and teenage girl myself, I know that there will be plenty of time for her to feel the unfortunate effects of peer pressure to conform, and that she will eventually come to feel more comfortable in what is appropriate and acceptable. Our role as mothers is to our children is to help shape their confidence and give them the tools they need to be successful human beings. Shaming her about her wardrobe choices at the tender age of three just doesn’t seem to accomplish that. Is it really necessary to cause additional stress because she’d rather dress as a superhero of sorts than a princess? Besides, with four kids and being in constant demand, I couldn’t possibly fight every outfit battle, even if I wanted to.

So, to anyone who feels justified in judging my daughter for her unique sense of style (or me for letting her go out in public that way), I kindly request that you BACK OFF. She is a confident, loving and happy child, and that’s all the really matters.

Do you have an interesting dresser? Give her or him a hug for me.

My Daily Tally

Photo: healingdream

Ever wonder what it’s like having four children? Here’s an account of my daily life summarized in numbers.

ONE+ gallon/s of milk consumed each day
TWO loads of dishes
THREE loads of laundry
FOUR* the multiple of time by which every task takes (5 minute task x 4 to account for the constant interruption of life)
FIVE o’clock am is the time I wake up every day
SIX cups of coffee (according to the coffee pot; according to my giant cup, it’s only two :)
SEVEN thirty bedtime (a quiet house by 8pm)
EIGHT slices of bread eaten in a day (or more)
NINE sibling spats I have to referee
TEN times I clean or wipe the toilet down (and surrounding areas) from 3 distracted boys...

And yet, most days I wouldn't change a thing. And for those days when I forget what a gift motherhood is, I remind myself of the story I read about a mom of young kids who was struck with cancer and was heartbroken because she was incapable of tending the her children and doing things like changing diapers and cleaning toilets. It's not the most glamorous job in the world, but doing these things for the people we love makes us feel whole as mothers.  Wouldn't you agree?

The Talk

If you have a second, third or fourth grader, then you know what “talk” I’m referring to. Yes, that one. The one about the birds and the bees... It’s long overdue- not for my nine year old (he’s still pretty oblivious), but for my seven year old. He’s always been very precocious, so it wasn’t a huge surprise when his teacher told me that he was giving his second grade classmates drawing lessons on adult anatomy. It doesn’t help that he also has a problem with using good judgement about what’s appropriate and what’s not (and he’s also a really good artist- these are not his sketches...his had more detail, if you know what I mean).

Photo sketch by MerryPaws

But that’s not why it’s finally time. It was inevitable that despite bookmarking his parent-approved websites, he’d figured out how to google things on the computer. And by “things” I mean “naked girls”. Ugh. Cringe. Sigh. Sit down.

I think every parent dreads this day. I have even had a good “teaching” book tucked away for the right moment, but I was really hoping it wouldn’t come anytime soon. He’s seven! What happened to my little puppy who loved to cuddle and be silly? Now he sports an attitude and has the humor (and taste) of a stand up comedian. In fact, my husband is convinced that he may just become a comedian someday and all of THESE moments will be fodder for his comedy routines. Oh yes, I’m expecting it ALL to come back from this one some day.

In the meantime, however, I have to have “the talk”. And knowing his ability to remember (too) much, his curiosity and drawing skills, this should be interesting. I don’t think it’s going to help with deterring the art lessons with friends on anatomy, but I guess I’d rather it be my kid who’s informed and telling others rather than him hearing misinformation from others and thinking they’re right. As far as “talks” go, this is just the beginning...

Where is a parenting manual when I need one?

Blogging About Blogging

I can’t be the only one...my husband thinks I’m mildly obsessed with blogging, but he forgets that part of my paid job is to blog. And just because I’m on the computer doesn’t mean I’m blogging...(although he doesn’t need to know that I’d do it more if I could). I do, however, find a much needed outlet in writing and truly part of my motivation is to complete my constantly interrupted thoughts throughout the day.  I'm convinced this is why there are so many mom bloggers- have you ever tried to have a conversation on the phone with 2-4 kids yelling for you (and at each other) and climbing all over you? And I find that taking the time to reflect on life and motherhood really does help put it into perspective and gives it more meaning. More meaning leads to feeling more fulfilled and that leads to greater contentment with it all. What can I say, blogging is my happy place.

Never the less, he’s given himself the title of “blog widower”. He jokes that he’s going to start a blog for husbands who have lost their wives to blogging. Seriously, I think he’s on to something. What do you think?

Finding the Christmas Spirit

I knew I was taking a risk by responding, but it’s usually the case that doing something is harder than doing nothing, even when it’s the right thing. And my kids were watching.

We were knee deep in Christmas lights and decorations...trying to prep the outside decorations while simultaneously rotating the toys inside the house to the garage to make room for the tree. As you might suspect, this is NOT an easy task with two three year olds clinging and crying about the temporary departure of every toy, despite our best efforts to “capture the moment” with Christmas music blaring the background. (By the way, the trick is to distract them with a “new” toy to rotate in- they will play happily for at least 20 minutes- but have those ready to go before removing the “old” ones). The older boys and the neighbors were playing out front when my second oldest (and animal lover) yelled to me that a stray dog had just wandered into our yard. I’ll be honest, my first thoughts were...I’m sure the dog can find its way home. If I check for a collar and there isn’t one, then I’ve taken on the responsibility of finding its owner. Maybe I can just assure my son that the dog will be fine and we can pretend this never happened.

After all, we lost our beloved dog earlier this year and it was quite traumatic for the family, but especially this child. And he’s been begging for another dog ever since. I knew that was HIS first thought.

Photo: bk images

Sure enough, the dog had a collar...but no tag. Now I couldn’t let her wander off because I knew she belonged to someone who loved her enough to give her a collar. And she was a very sweet black lab mix. So, leaving my patient and understanding husband to man the twins and mess of toys, five kids (including the neighbors, minus the dog-lover) and Christmas decorations, my son and I set off, going house to house in search of the dog’s owner. We made it clear to the end of our street and back, and no one recognized her. And while most people were apologetic, none offered to help find her owner.  I knew I couldn’t keep her even for a few days to hang signs with 4 small kids at our house, despite my son’s pleading. And she had some visible tumors, so calling the Humane Society would not be ideal. Even trying to get her to a vet’s office to see if she had a microchip (if I could find one open on a Sunday) would be problematic with the kids.

Finally, I approached the last house within proximity and held out hope that this would be her home. I was relieved when the kid the lives there opened the door, but then he said she wasn’t his black lab and my heart sank. Upon taking a closer look, he said he did know who she belonged to and offered to take her home. He has no idea how grateful I was to hear those words!

Interestingly enough, this house was only two doors down from us, yet it was the last house I tried. In part because we had issues with this (and another neighbor) kid a few years back who were several years older than our boys and who had been cussing and being mischievous in front of our kids (4 and 5 at the time). My husband had to “talk to” the neighbor boys about being appropriate in front of younger kids. And there just didn’t seem to be a lot of parental supervision, so we encouraged out kids to steer clear of him. Yet, this very kid (a few years later) is offering to help me tremendously without giving it a second thought. He was kind and courteous and a good neighbor.

So, this experience has reminded me this Christmas to love my neighbor (and, as my husband put it, “not judge them by their skinny jeans” and skate boards), to remove myself from the chaos and stress that is “the season” and focus on helping others and doing the right thing. So many people (and a dog) in the this situation were helped, and at the end of the day, isn’t that what’s it all about?

And, no our decorations aren't hung, but Christmas has begun at our house.