Parenting the Child that is ME

It’s taken me years to begin to understand how it’s even possible for two people, namely a parent and child, to be so alike in so many ways and there be so much conflict because of it. It defies logic, really.

My oldest was born an old soul. He didn’t even look like a baby when he was an infant, he looked like an old man. He has always been serious, pensive, quiet, an enforcer of rules (notice I don’t say “follower” of rules...), cautious, intense and wise. He’s a very sweet kid, (usually) very good with his younger siblings and is unstoppable (literally) when he puts his mind to something. He is a child any mom would be proud to call hers. But those are his good qualities.

He’s also very stubborn, strong-willed, literal, argumentative, quick tempered and a bit mischieveious. He’s my button pusher. Therein lies the answer to my question. We are a lot alike in many good ways, but MORE alike in the less desirable ways. And whether we mean to or not, and we react to situations in the EXACT. SAME. WAY.

And, just like we as parents swear that we won’t be like our parents, we try in earnest to keep our kids from embodying the things we don’t like about ourselves. Given my son’s propensity to act and talk in much the same (negative) ways, it starts to make sense that my conflicted frustration grows as emotions escalate. And there you have it, it is because we are alike in the wrong ways that our similarities become our differences. Now I have to figure out how to be less like myself, more like the me I want to be and embrace the child that is.

Now, what do I do about the second and third children who have the same problem? I guess the good news is that neither of them is like me.

Preschool 3.0

This is our third (and fourth) go around with preschool and, I have to say, it is a much different experience this time around. It’s not that the school has changed...it’s that I have.

Preschool 1.0 was our bubble. That’s were my son met his friends, and I did too. We had play dates and birthday parties, mom get togethers and frequent coffee visits. I knew every mom’s name and considered all of them friends. By the time my second child started preschool, I had two in preschool (going opposite days), and became even more entrenched in the environment. We would arrive early so the kids could greet their friends, stay late so we could linger on the playground, and I would happily volunteer when needed. I formed a tight knit group of friends with whom I could relate because we had a lot of the same challenges, and for most of us, were experiencing preschool for the first time with our oldest children.

So what’s changed? My world. Our bubble has expanded far beyond those iron preschool gates, and I no longer have the luxury of leisurely coming and going and sacrificing my free time. My time without kids is precious and I am now one of those moms who is arriving just in the nick of time in the morning and is quick to leave after pick up.

It’s not just my schedule that’s changed...looking around the school yard I notice that more moms than not have a baby in their arms and are bonding over sharing the same challenges with similarly aged children like I once did. I am not one of them. I have become the “mom with older kids”. You can tell us because we don’t bring our kids to school in their cutest, cleanest outfit (and mine, who dress themselves, are usually completely mismatched). We don’t rush to our child who may have fallen or stay longer in the classroom because our child is anxious we are leaving. We aren’t packing homemade, organic snacks for our kids and we don’t cringe when we see the paint set out for the kids. It’s school. It’s messy. That’s how they learn. And at least it’s not at my house. I don’t know many of the moms’ names, and the ones I do know I know from bonding over preschool 2.0.

So, while preschool 3.0 has been a different experience, it’s still a meaningful one for me. It’s a valuable reminder of how much I’ve grown, how much more confidence I have now and how much of a better mother I’ve become because of it. And this time around I can focus more on what the experience means to my children, not just me, which makes it more fun for everyone.

Now...where are the finger paints???

Photo: Salvatore Vuono

Having an Identity Crisis

I had one several years ago when I first decided to stay home. I found it difficult to transition from my official, hard-earned work title to the very unglamorous, generic title of “mom”. I struggled with how to fill in forms when they asked for my occupation...”mom” seemed too vague and since it was not a paid position, didn’t seem relevant. “Wife” implied no kids, which pretty much implies no work, which was no where near accurate. “Volunteer” seemed too contradictory, since that would imply that I had the freedom to come and go as I pleased, pick and choose which responsibilities I took on and make my own decisions about how and when to help others. No... “servant” might be a better description...but maybe a bit too harsh. And “President” and “CEO” of our household seemed a bit of a stretch. Then there are all the smaller jobs that I fulfill, like tutor, cook, nurse, chauffer, coach, teacher, nanny, housekeeper (the list goes on...), but that brings me back to the fact that none of these are paid positions. So, who am I?

I finally made peace with the title of “at-home mom”. Having been a working mom, I felt that somehow having an occupation outside of “mom” precluded me from being “mom” on these silly forms. At least “at-home mom” makes it clear that I work hard to take care of my kids, family and home. And I REFUSE to fill in “none” for my occupation.

So, here I am, several years later, and I’m facing the same identity crisis. Only this time, I’m going back to work (kind of). I’ve started taking on some part time work, but I’m left questioning how this changes my “occupation”. Now I’m a “working at-home mom”...or do I list my part time occupation as my primary occupation and not mention being at home with kids? Or, does part time work not even count as a true occupation, and should I should omit it completely? But it’s work that I do- paid work- and shouldn’t that count for something?

I’ve now settled on the official title of “part time working at home mom”. It’s kind of long, but it says it all...the only question left to answer now, is do I list my family or my paid job as my employer?

Top 10 Questions/Comments I Get As A Mother of Twins...And My Responses

1. Are they twins?
Why, yes. Yes, they are. (Then people respond, “I thought so...but they’re so big”. Apparently twins grow just like real babies.)
2. Oh, you finally got your girl!
Yes, but with 3 older brothers, she hasn’t figured out she’s a girl yet.
3. I don’t know how you do it.
I try not to think about it.
4. Are they identical?
Ummm, no. This one’s a boy and this one’s a girl.
5. Did you use fertility?
No. (thought: but if I had I’m not sure I would share the details of my personal reproduction with a perfect stranger)
6. Do you have twins in your family?
I do now.
7. How much did they weigh when they were born?
He was 6 lbs, she was 5.11. (Which usually prompts the response, “Wow, that’s a lot of baby”. My translation: “Wow, you must have been HUGE...” Yep, I was pretty much bursting with babies).
8. Do they have their own language?
Yes, English
9. Oh, a boy and a girl, you’re done now, right?
I find this question a little presumptive- see #5- and you should see their face when I answer, “Actually I have four. But, yes, we are done.”
10. Were they full term?
Luckily, yes (or close enough, just one day shy). At which point I am guaranteed to hear a story about someone they know who had twins...

But it goes with the territory. And the best part is that when you meet someone else with twins you have an instant friend with whom to share stories, co-miserate and exchange admiration. Having twins isn’t easy, but I feel privileged to be among some of the strongest women I know.